Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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