You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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