dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
