he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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