you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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