Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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