I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
