1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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