I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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