hotel room ftw
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
