No awkward lesbian experiences without me
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
