And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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