20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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