weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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