if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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