I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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