dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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