i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
