I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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