FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
