Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
