i dedicated my morning wood to you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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