When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
