i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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