I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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