the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
