dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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