my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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