her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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