Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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