If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
