if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
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