Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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