I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
