It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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