I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
