Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
