You made me cry and you don't even care
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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