Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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