y did u give ur computer a hand job?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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