Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
