After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
