do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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