Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
