Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
