so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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