it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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