I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
