I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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