My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
